Horizon
by PandaPez
Summary: Shepard and Garrus both reflect back on the mission on Horizon, each coming to an important realization. Shakarian
1. Chapter 1: Garrus

**A/N: So quick word about this one: There's really not all that much interaction between Garrus and Shepard here, since its more of an introspective thing for both of them. Oh, and there's some Shenko in here, so I'm sorry if that's not really your thing.~**

The shuttle ride back to the _Normandy_ was a quiet one.

Garrus leaned against the Kodiack's wall as he looked over his rifle, checking its calibrations. The sighting had gotten slightly misaligned from a blow he'd taken at some point. _Probably when one of those damned husks flanked me._

His head shook along with the shuttle as they ascended into the atmosphere, and Garrus' found his gaze falling on Shepard. She stood in her regular spot just beside the cockpit, her head resting slightly against the back of her upraised arm. From his position he could just see the edge of her face, where one eye was staring unblinkingly at the metal before it. Was she thinking of the mission? Going back over it, trying to find a way she could have saved them all? Or was she thinking about what had happened with…Garrus' mandibles twitched as he looked away. Shepard's thoughts were her own, and it wasn't his place to pry by reading so much into her expression. Besides, the turian had already seen far more than he should have back on Horizon.

More than any of them had had a right to see, really.

Still, as the ride continued on, Garrus felt his gaze drift back over to the commander. Whether it was his place to notice or not, the events on Horizon had left their mark on her. It wasn't anything overt, like a broken bone or bleeding wound, though all of them were leaving the colony with significantly more bruises than when they'd arrived; the ache in his own shoulders and back told him that much. No, it was the small things, the subtle things, that told him something in the commander had changed: her back was stiff, fighting against the movements of the shuttle when before it had rolled with them easily, and her free hand was clenched into a fist beside her leg, hanging tense. She flexed it as he watched, uncurling the short, human fingers slowly. The motion was concise and controlled, like so much of what Shepard did was.

_You can't predict how people will act, Garrus. But you can control how you'll respond._

Garrus turned back to his gun, double-checking his initial inspection.

* * *

"Welcome back, guys." Joker said through the intercom over their heads as the decontamination doors opened with a soft _hiss._

"EDI, open up a comm link with the Illusive Man." Shepard ordered, already heading towards the briefing room. "The rest of you, dismissed."

Garrus nodded, and then made his way over to elevator. He paused before hitting the call button, however, remembering the crack he'd found in his Mantis' clip dispenser when checking it over again. He'd have to replace it before their next mission if he didn't want to risk more damage, so he changed direction and headed over to armory instead.

Jacob looked up at the sound of Garrus approach and gave the turian a nod. "Hey, welcome back. Heard it got pretty rough down there."

"Yeah," Garrus answered, gesturing to his gun. "Damn husks were there, of all things. One of them managed get a crack in my clip dispenser when it got in close."

Jacob whistled and leaned back against his bench. "No kidding? Damn, didn't think I'd ever see one of those again."

"You and me both." Garrus rifled through a drawer of spare parts until he found the one he needed, then began the process of dismantling and repairing his Mantis. Jacob likewise turned back to his own project, and the comfortable silence that comes from busy hands filled the room.

"Shepard giving the Illusive Man a debrief?" Jacob asked after a while.

"Think so. She headed over to the comm room as soon as we got back." Garrus' talon pushed down on dispenser's clasp, ejecting it from the rifle. He pushed it aside and picked up the new one.

"It's still kinda hard to believe it's the Collectors behind all this. Guess the Illusive Man was right all along." He shook his head. "Strange how this all feels a lot more real now."

"Yeah. I wish we'd found out more about what they're up to." Garrus said, carefully attaching the new part. "Whatever it is, though, Shepard'll stop it."

Jacob let out a small chuckle. "From what I've seen so far, no doubt. Woman's like a force of nature. Never seen anything like her. "

_I don't think I've ever met anyone like you, Commander._

Garrus hesitated. Why did that conversation keep coming back to him today?

"You two go way back right? What was it like?" Jacob continued, chasing the thought from Garrus' mind.

"Hunting down Saren? It was hell. Constantly on the move, still always just one step behind. Geth and husks everywhere, the Council shooting us down at every chance." Garrus paused, and then felt his mandibles twitch in amusement as he added. "Almost the same as now, come to think of it. Only back then Cerberus were the bad guys of course."

Jacob laughed and turned around, leaning back against his bench with his arms crossed against his chest. "I get that. Never would have thought two years ago this is where I'd end up. Still, Cerberus gets things done. Just look at what happened down on Horizon. If it'd been up to the Alliance the whole colony would be gone right now. Least we saved as many as we could."

Garrus nodded. Shepard may not agree with their methods – and truthfully, Garrus didn't either for the most part – but for better or worse, Cerberus did get results, that much was obvious.

"The Alliance definitely dropped the ball on this one." Garrus admitted, looking around for a bottle of gun cleaner. He had some at his work bench in the battery, but since he was already set up here he might as well just finish before heading back down.

"Cleaning supplies are over to your left, third drawer down." Jacob said, guessing what he was looking for. "And that's right, you guys ran into one of your old Alliance crew down there didn't you? Joker mentioned something about it earlier."

The turian hesitated as he reached for the drawer Jacob pointed out, thinking back to the meeting on Horizon. "Yeah, Kaidan Alenko. He was the Staff Lieutenant on the old _Normandy._" he answered, feeling his mandibles retract against his face.

"How'd that go?" Jacob asked, turning back to his own work.

Again, Garrus found himself pausing. It wasn't that he was suspicious of Jacob's intentions. It was an innocent question, really. The chances that Jacob knew anything more about Kaidan aside from his name and reputation were slim. Even if he did, Garrus had the feeling that Jacob wasn't the type to gossip about other people's lives; he was too private of a person himself, for one, and aside from that he'd come across as an overall nice guy, Cerberus or not. He hadn't ever treated the turian with anything other than respect or friendliness, at least, which was something coming from a member of a pro-humanity group. So no, it wasn't suspicion that caused Garrus to pause as he found the right jar of cleaner and opened it.

It was how much he had a right to tell that held him back. Obviously, he couldn't tell Jacob the whole story - what Shepard did in her personal life was no one's business but her own. She'd definitely never discussed her and Alenko's relationship with Garrus himself, or anyone else from the old crew as far as he knew. Still, that hadn't stopped them all from figuring out; it had been written all over Alenko's face when he'd looked at her, had shown in the way Shepard had sought his company after every mission. Even without all that, any doubts there might have been in Garrus' mind had disappeared when he'd seen the lieutenant at the funeral they'd held years ago, when they'd all thought she'd gone down with the original_ Normandy_. Through all his cases on C-Sec, Garrus had never seen a more broken man.

Was that why what had happened on Horizon bothered him so much? Because, he realized as he wiped down his rifle's bolt with a cloth, it _had _been bothering him. The tension he'd felt in his shoulders and back ever since the shuttle ride were from more than just bruises and lingering adrenaline. There was something about the way it had all gone down that rubbed him the wrong way. But what?

"Could have gone better," Garrus finally answered, picking up his rifle's barrel.

"Ahh" Jacob said, letting the sound stretch out with sympathy. "Guess he's an Alliance man through and through, huh?"

"Looks like it. Can't say I hold it against him though." Garrus said, carefully cleaning out the barrel. "Ask any turian and they'll tell you duty comes first. Well, any good turian, anyway."

He saw Jacob nod from the corner of his eyes. "Lost a couple of friends myself when I joined up. Said they wouldn't have anything to do with terrorists. It's rough, but I don't blame them. Everyone makes their own choices, you know."

"Yeah." Garrus said, tilting his head slightly as he looked closer at the barrel. And he didn't blame Kaidan for his choice, not really. After all, they'd both seen the things Cerberus had done all those years ago – the murders, the sick experiments, the cover-ups. If it hadn't been Shepard asking him, Garrus himself never would have joined up.

He felt his hand pause and his mandibles twitch. Something had flickered in the back of his mind just then, a feeling he hadn't had in a long time. It was the one he'd gotten back during his C-Sec days, when he'd been close to cracking a case, and again on Omega whenever his plans had been about to come together. There was something important here, but damn it if he couldn't connect the pieces.

His mandibles flared in frustration and he traced back to the train of thought that had brought the feeling on on. It all came back to what had happened between Shepard and Alenko on Horizon, he was sure of that much at least. It wasn't any of his business, and truthfully, he'd have been more than happy to let what he'd seen stay between the two of them – after all, why should it matter to him that Alenko had chosen to go, rather than stay with Shepard despite his obvious lov-

Garrus stilled as the realization finally came to him. Alenko had left Shepard. He hadn't been able to fully believe it was her. And even if some part of him had been willing to accept that she was really alive, he hadn't been able to reconcile that with the fact that she was working with Cerberus, like Council hadn't when she'd gone to them for help. Despite what they'd had together, it hadn't been enough to justify it all for him, and Garrus had seen the pain that had caused the both of them.

So why, then, had it been so easy for Garrus to do just that? Why was it that _he_ had followed Shepard, trusting her just as easily now as he had two years ago, when the man who'd loved hadn't been able to do the same?

Garrus waited, searching for an answer that never came. Eventually, he let out a long breath before finally turning back to his work. The sensation that he was missing something lingered in the back of his thoughts, leaking over into his actions and making his already sore muscles tense up more – but for the most part he ignored it and concentrated on finishing up with his rifle. If there was one thing Garrus knew for certain at least, it was how to calibrate a damn gun.


	2. Chapter 2: Shepard

**A/N: So this is Shepard's bit, and like I mentioned before there really isn't any actual interaction between her and Garrus, sorry. There's also some Shenko (which I guess you guys prolly know by now?), so here's the warning for that. ****In any case, I hope you guys enjoy~**

"Your team will need to be strong, as will their resolve. There's no looking back." The Illusive Man said, leaning back into his chair. His ice-like eyes found Shepard's. "The same goes for you. Can I assume you've put your past relationships behind you?"

Shepard's eyes narrowed. If nothing else, what happened on Horizon had forced her to realize just how much she'd need the Illusive Man if she was going to defeat the Collectors. Not only were they unlike anything she'd faced before, but Kaidan himself had made it clear how little help she'd find elsewhere. If he of all people…Shepard stopped there, shoving the thought aside. This wasn't the time for that.

So yes, she did need the Illusive Man, just as much as he needed her. They both knew that now, just like they both knew the other would do whatever it took to stop the Collectors. And if that meant working together to save humanity, then so be it.

But that was all Shepard had to do. "None of your damn business." She said, holding his gaze with her own.

He tapped his cigarette, flicking the ashes off into a tray built into his chair's armrest. "If it affects the mission, better you leave it behind." He paused, adjusting himself. "Shepard, once you pass through the Omega Relay to the Collector homeworld, there's no guarantee you'll return. To have any hope of surviving, you – and your entire team – must be fully committed to this." His tone softened somewhat towards the end, but stayed firm. None of them could afford to be weak now.

"Let me worry about them. You just find us a way to the Collector homeworld."

"I just want to be upfront about your odds. You'll need everyone at their best. I've forwarded three more dossiers. Keep building your team while I find a way through the relay." He paused, then leaned forward slightly before adding, "And be careful Shepard. The Collectors will be watching you." They held each other's gaze for a moment before he sat back and closed the channel.

Shepard felt the usual twinge as her eyes adjusted to the sudden light. The sense of disorientation faded quickly, however, and she turned to leave. She raised a brow in surprise when she found Jacob waiting for her. He was leaning against the back wall, his arms crossed against his chest, but straightened as she approached him.

"I guess we're really gonna do it. Hit the Omega 4 Relay, take the fight to the Collectors in person," he said, "Looking forward to the action. After hearing what those bastards did on Horizon, though…makes you think."

Images of the colony flickered before her – the empty buildings, the few frozen colonists, the strange ship taking the rest of them away before she could stop it. Shepard blinked, putting the memories away and turning her attention back to Jacob. His shoulders were slumped slightly, and there'd been an uncertainty in his tone just then. "Something on your mind, Jacob?" she asked.

"No, just…" he hesitated, looking down. "There's a good chance we're not coming back, even if we get it done." He raised his eyes back to hers. "Gonna go take care of a little unfinished business. I imagine everyone else is too – getting some closure, you know?" He nodded to her, then, before turning to leave. The small _hiss _as the door slid close was the only other sound in the room, and then Shepard was left alone in the silence.

She stood there, letting herself take the moment.

She let herself think about Horizon.

Her eyes closed as the mixed emotions assaulted her, each trying to take precedence: There was the usual exhaustion, with it's ache spreading throughout her body and still not-quite-relaxed muscles trembling with leftover adrenaline; then there was the guilt, almost as familiar now as the former one, with its frozen and broken faces asking her why she'd failed them, blaming her for not saving them, for what had happened. Because hadn't it been her fault? If not for her and the Illusive Man's rumors, the Collector's might never have gone to Horizon. If she'd died all those years ago like she should have, those colonists could still be safe and untouched right now.

And if she'd died then, she'd never have had to see that look on Kaidan's face before he walked away from her.

_You turned your back on everything we believed in. You betrayed the Alliance – you betrayed me._

Despite herself, she felt her hands curl into fists. Couldn't he see that the Collectors were the threat right now, not Cerberus? Didn't he see firsthand how powerful they were, how easily they could destroy everything if she didn't stop them? After everything they'd seen and been through together, didn't he realize she'd _never_ work with Cerberus otherwise?

Didn't he know her better than that?

_You've changed, Shepard. _

Had she? Who was Shepard, really? She leaned against the wall, letting it support her. As far as most of the galaxy was concerned, the woman she'd been had died two years ago, and the few she'd met who knew otherwise almost seemed to prefer it that way. The man she'd shared so much with had left her, the Council she'd once sacrificed so much for had dismissed her – even Tali hadn't stood by her, though she'd at least been somewhat glad to see Shepard alive, if still suspicious.

_It's been two years, Shepard. They've moved on._

But it was more than just that, she realized, feeling her breath catch slightly in her throat. It wasn't the fact that they'd gone on with their lives that threatened to choke her; it was that none of them had been willing – or able – to believe that she was the same person she'd always been.

And that was almost as painful as dying had been.

Because what if they were right? If the people who knew her better than anyone else couldn't recognize her, was she really even still that same person? Or was she just some…_thing_ created by Cerberus, some advanced AI like EDI that was just programmed to think itwas Commander Shepard? Maybe they'd all been right about her from the beginning, had all been right to doubt her and walk away like they had.

All of them, except for Joker and Garrus at least.

Shepard opened her eyes slightly and stared up at the ceiling. Joker, she understood. The pilot's life had been the _Normandy _and its crew; he'd told her so himself when they'd first been reunited. Shepard and the SR-2 had been as much a rebirth for him as her own had been. Still, she felt the knot that had formed in her throat lessen. Regardless of his reasons, there was at least one person who hadn't abandoned her.

And it wasn't just him. There was Garrus too. For whatever reason, the turian had accepted her as easily as Joker had. He hadn't questioned her, hadn't accused her, or rejected her. He'd simply…accepted her. More than that, he'd _trusted _her. And unlike Joker, she had no idea why. It was true she'd rescued him back on Omega, and she knew he took her opinion seriously; his decision to rejoin C-Sec had proven that. But wasn't that just the general attitude turians felt towards commanding officers they respected? It certainly wasn't enough to warrant joining a known terrorist organization, for certain. And yet, he didn't doubt her motives for working with Cerberus, nor did turn her down when she'd asked for his help. He'd simply been there for her.

And that, Shepard realized as she stood there on the edge, was all she'd needed.


End file.
